Sunday Sunday...

Never can recall much of that song outside of 'Sunday Sunday.' Not that it fucking matters, but it kinda sticks in my head for some reason.

I'm going to try and do something here every Sunday now. Just to have a schedule, because otherwise I won't do it, and because I think it might be therapeutic and allow me to try and work some shit out. It probably won't be very interesting, but it's definitely more for me than you, nonexistent reader, so apologies.

I'm at a weird point in my life both in terms of direction and as far as self-examination goes. I'm trying to make a huge change in my life at the moment and not having very much luck with it. In part because I have come to the realization that I am very diabolical, or self-sabotaging, which really contrasts with the view I've held of myself for so long. I've always thought I was strong and could do whatever I wanted to do, yet here I am just trying to get a job in Chicago and moving home and I feel like I'm holding myself back, I don't feel like I'm doing nearly enough to get myself there. I have been relying too much on a few leads/thoughts/promises and I'm realizing that none of them are going to pan out. I have to be out of my current job in about two months and I have no other options coming towards me.

This diabolicalness also manifests itself in he way that I have NEVER gotten my shit together financially. Part of that is because I don't make dick and I have crazy amounts of debt; but part of it is also the fact that I never hold myself to what I try to do as a budget (partially because it's unreasonable) but I should be doing more. Like getting rid of my car, but I have to look into breaking my lease first, which I never do.

It's always interesting to learn that you are not who you idealized yourself as. The larger test, beyond dealing with it, is what you do with it.

That for me is still unseen.