End of week one.

So there's progress.

I've gotten some of my shit together, have some options on what to do on some other items and am still looking forward on many pieces. I've got an appointment to consult on some of my credit issues and try and take care of them shortly. Depending on whether or not I'm moving I will be trying to defer all my loans for a bit because it will give me some time to get my feet back under me and at least get my bills in order, if not also build up a buffer.

This week is going to suck because my trip to Chicago feels pointless, I'm taking so much time specifically because of the hope that I would be setting up meetings/interviews and as of now I have nothing arranged at all. While it's always good to see family, it's hard to deal with it for a week when I feel like I should be getting so much more done on the whole but I haven't.

So, do I move to Chicago as an unemployed leach and just hope things work out or do I continue to sit here and hope things work out. I've got to be out of Variety by the end of June and there's no two ways about it, I have no job prospects here either, so where does that leave me? Do I just say 'fuck it' take a further credit hit for a few months and just hope I can swing things or do I start taking any job I can out here and just hope in a year or two when I try to move again it works out better? In reality, I can't imagine this is ever going to be easy to do, it will never get convenient to move across country, and it will never be a sure thing.

It's something I have to decide on when I'm in Chicago otherwise there will be little time left to do anything.

Sunday Sunday...

Never can recall much of that song outside of 'Sunday Sunday.' Not that it fucking matters, but it kinda sticks in my head for some reason.

I'm going to try and do something here every Sunday now. Just to have a schedule, because otherwise I won't do it, and because I think it might be therapeutic and allow me to try and work some shit out. It probably won't be very interesting, but it's definitely more for me than you, nonexistent reader, so apologies.

I'm at a weird point in my life both in terms of direction and as far as self-examination goes. I'm trying to make a huge change in my life at the moment and not having very much luck with it. In part because I have come to the realization that I am very diabolical, or self-sabotaging, which really contrasts with the view I've held of myself for so long. I've always thought I was strong and could do whatever I wanted to do, yet here I am just trying to get a job in Chicago and moving home and I feel like I'm holding myself back, I don't feel like I'm doing nearly enough to get myself there. I have been relying too much on a few leads/thoughts/promises and I'm realizing that none of them are going to pan out. I have to be out of my current job in about two months and I have no other options coming towards me.

This diabolicalness also manifests itself in he way that I have NEVER gotten my shit together financially. Part of that is because I don't make dick and I have crazy amounts of debt; but part of it is also the fact that I never hold myself to what I try to do as a budget (partially because it's unreasonable) but I should be doing more. Like getting rid of my car, but I have to look into breaking my lease first, which I never do.

It's always interesting to learn that you are not who you idealized yourself as. The larger test, beyond dealing with it, is what you do with it.

That for me is still unseen.