Cricket. Cricket.

No idea why I'm trying this again. Perhaps because I'm actually trying to do some things in stone lately, I don't know. Maybe talking aloud to myself will help me do that. Perhaps I'll even ramble on other things later.

I am:
1 - changing my diet and exercising regularly. I have lost 12.5 pounds since June 22 and still have plenty to burn, I'd like to drop about another 15 or so which should be doable, I know it will slow down but it's nice at the moment.
2 - Actually putting some standard to my regimen this time around, as opposed to 'just working out' the structure will make me feel worse about skipping out.
3 - I'm going to fuck around with my bass guitar seriously for the first time in years, I need hobbies outside of listening to music and reading books.
4 - Working on other aspects of my life: social, professional and financial and I'm seeing changes, which makes it much easier to keep going.

The big thing is I am going to talk to people about these things, not just doing them in private. It will make me hold myself personally accountable for these things. It will be good.

That's it for now, will probably throw a summary post up of the last year at work this week.

Look out monkeys, I'm gunning for you!

Monkeys and typewriters...

So I have arrived in Chicago (over a week ago actually) and I'm getting settled. The job-hunting part of things kinda sucks, but the networking part goes well. The working on the basement goes well, but the getting near to done kinda sucks.

Feeling like I still fit goes well. I'm unemployed, worried and not doing much but I am feeling happier, feeling more like Brian again.

Friends are good, it's going to be some time getting used to drinking a lot again (don't mind) but it's kinda funny, I'll be seeing less movies and possibly more live music so I think that trade off works.

More updates as it goes, such as I may be kinda unemployed but have some consulting work to do for Variety so it's helping with the networking.

I'm rambling, will resume updating this later this week.

Hope of the States still rule.

low resonance

or a lack of harmony if you will.

The past week has been tough, things at work are better than they have been yet at the same time everything else seems tougher, there are less people here that I can depend on than I previously believed, making it better that I am shifting myself to the east. If I had to deal with this continuously after everything I went through to make this decision I think I'd be very stressed to be staying here when people can seem to support me when I need them to.

This was a bad weekend, I felt tried on Friday though had a good talk with Clint and the movie wasn't as bad as it could have been, but the bbq was a fucking mess and I don't think I want to repeat it, I almost don't want to have any more of them. Can't tell roomie that as he's savoring them and going to miss doing this when I'm gone, so chin up I suppose...

P.S.

Crickets are retarded.

back in

I excused myself from last weekend's post as I was out of town and doing my best to avoid the technologies.

So, to recap, had financial consolidation call, they didn't call me back and now I think that will have to wait until I am back in Chicago because I flat out just don't have the patience to handle that at the moment.

I had one job interview in Chicago, networked, generally made a good impression and will likely have something solid there by mid August. I am moving, without a shadow of a doubt, in the first week of July. I've already made a reservation for the trailer (to move shit) and everything. Now I just need to change the name on half the bills (and the lease) so my roomie doesn't have issues in the future. Well, issues I could actually prevent I should say...

So I'm still sending out more resumes (as soon as I finish this) and all that happy crappy. I'm feeling better than before because I have a real resolve about all this, I know it most be done, and I'm looking forward to the challenge and change, which, while I wish I didn't have to deal with the crap I'm currently handling, if refreshing.

End of week one.

So there's progress.

I've gotten some of my shit together, have some options on what to do on some other items and am still looking forward on many pieces. I've got an appointment to consult on some of my credit issues and try and take care of them shortly. Depending on whether or not I'm moving I will be trying to defer all my loans for a bit because it will give me some time to get my feet back under me and at least get my bills in order, if not also build up a buffer.

This week is going to suck because my trip to Chicago feels pointless, I'm taking so much time specifically because of the hope that I would be setting up meetings/interviews and as of now I have nothing arranged at all. While it's always good to see family, it's hard to deal with it for a week when I feel like I should be getting so much more done on the whole but I haven't.

So, do I move to Chicago as an unemployed leach and just hope things work out or do I continue to sit here and hope things work out. I've got to be out of Variety by the end of June and there's no two ways about it, I have no job prospects here either, so where does that leave me? Do I just say 'fuck it' take a further credit hit for a few months and just hope I can swing things or do I start taking any job I can out here and just hope in a year or two when I try to move again it works out better? In reality, I can't imagine this is ever going to be easy to do, it will never get convenient to move across country, and it will never be a sure thing.

It's something I have to decide on when I'm in Chicago otherwise there will be little time left to do anything.

Sunday Sunday...

Never can recall much of that song outside of 'Sunday Sunday.' Not that it fucking matters, but it kinda sticks in my head for some reason.

I'm going to try and do something here every Sunday now. Just to have a schedule, because otherwise I won't do it, and because I think it might be therapeutic and allow me to try and work some shit out. It probably won't be very interesting, but it's definitely more for me than you, nonexistent reader, so apologies.

I'm at a weird point in my life both in terms of direction and as far as self-examination goes. I'm trying to make a huge change in my life at the moment and not having very much luck with it. In part because I have come to the realization that I am very diabolical, or self-sabotaging, which really contrasts with the view I've held of myself for so long. I've always thought I was strong and could do whatever I wanted to do, yet here I am just trying to get a job in Chicago and moving home and I feel like I'm holding myself back, I don't feel like I'm doing nearly enough to get myself there. I have been relying too much on a few leads/thoughts/promises and I'm realizing that none of them are going to pan out. I have to be out of my current job in about two months and I have no other options coming towards me.

This diabolicalness also manifests itself in he way that I have NEVER gotten my shit together financially. Part of that is because I don't make dick and I have crazy amounts of debt; but part of it is also the fact that I never hold myself to what I try to do as a budget (partially because it's unreasonable) but I should be doing more. Like getting rid of my car, but I have to look into breaking my lease first, which I never do.

It's always interesting to learn that you are not who you idealized yourself as. The larger test, beyond dealing with it, is what you do with it.

That for me is still unseen.